Easier said than done.

You know how people keep saying they're trying to be a better person? Well, I'm the epitome of that kind of hypocrite people.

Why do I say that? Well, I know I've never been a good person. I know that. I'm always saying "okay, tomorrow you MUST be good. Control your emotions, suppress you anger, be careful of what you speak." but  when I meet friends I forget about all of that.

I say things I shouldn't say - I back stab, I talk about people's faults and what not. I never look at my own faults. It's bad but I know I have to admit it. I cannot lie to myself.

This won't do good in the long run. I have to start controlling myself. "Ask God and He will help you" indeed.  But without an effort to change, I will never benefit anything. Wallahualam.

Anyway. I have to think about what I have done in the past. I can't turn back time and change everything now can't I? I will just have to strive to be a good person - not great yet, 'cause I'm nooooo way near that. Start small.

Ok, Ivana. Get a grip of yourself. *_*

Lost Item.

Ok, so my course had this Cultural Day thingy about three weeks ago. And im one of the dancers for a Sarawakian dance which required me to wear a Sarawakian traditional costume. Theres a lot of accecories and ornaments that are put around the costume and omg the horror i went through wearing the thing. I wanted to wear an Org Ulu costume but they gave me Iban instead.

Im starting to regret my decision of joining in the first place.

One of the accesorries i was supposed to use were these huge (weird) rings that are called buah pauh. The costume was nice and everything but the rings were unusable. so i decided to put them in my bag (or so i thought so).

I even hid them under an extra shirt i brought for obvious reasons but when i came back to my room there weren't there.

So until now i cant find those damn things and the owner is distressed about it because the things were handed down from generations to generations. i didnt really think it was THIS serious at first because first of all, the thing looks old (well,duh) and those are just ill-looking rings (no offence) but when Nyna told me how distressed she was and how they are meaningful to her i cant think straight. 

I know i should apologize to her personally. Nyna told me that its better if i told her face to face because she hasn't even told her parents yet about this... and im like WTH? how serious can she be about this. but im not in her shoes so i dont really know how valuable there are to her. so i cant really blindly say anything.

I just hope i can find them because its stressing the owner and me even more cz the pressure is on me. i just hate this position its very depressing.

Im never borrowing ath that is passed down from generations anymore. the distress it caused me, i'd never. God, help me in this, i cant turn to anyone else.

Obsessed.

However OBSESSED I am with this guy I know it's not right to think like this. It's like, I don't know what's happening to me but I am soooooo OBSESSED 100%. I have to stop this obsession, it's not healthy. sigh. He's not even into me anyway so why should I think about him? It's so weird also 'cause every time he's near I get pumped up and my heart beats a tad faster. Love is playing tricks on me. Yet again, how do I know whether it's love. I just can't see myself marrying and having children with him. Preposterous

I will never be good enough for you.

So I am finally able to log into my blog. Thank God. I've missed it. Anyway. There's this boy right. Who I obviously like. But he doesn't seem to like me back. I'm not sure whether I'm ok with it or I'm just to egoistic to accept this. He's a difficult person to comprehend. He's just too cool for me I guess.

The worst part is I can't see us together as being a couple or husband and wife (yes, I think that far) because we are just like fire and ice. I'm totally a different character than he is.

He never really show me interest even though I try to show him I'm interest. He always talks about pretty girls (which is kind of a turn off actually) but I don't know why I'm still crazy about him??!

It's like, every time he's near my heart would be racing madly. No joke. I've never felt like this about a guy. And I'm always so self-concious about my image whenever he's around. I mean, I know I'm not that pretty or up to par with his standards or requirement. I just hope I could stop thinking about him. It's not cool to like a person who doesn't show interest. I don't like to waste my time thinking about him but I can't help it! God, help me here!!