Easier said than done.

You know how people keep saying they're trying to be a better person? Well, I'm the epitome of that kind of hypocrite people.

Why do I say that? Well, I know I've never been a good person. I know that. I'm always saying "okay, tomorrow you MUST be good. Control your emotions, suppress you anger, be careful of what you speak." but  when I meet friends I forget about all of that.

I say things I shouldn't say - I back stab, I talk about people's faults and what not. I never look at my own faults. It's bad but I know I have to admit it. I cannot lie to myself.

This won't do good in the long run. I have to start controlling myself. "Ask God and He will help you" indeed.  But without an effort to change, I will never benefit anything. Wallahualam.

Anyway. I have to think about what I have done in the past. I can't turn back time and change everything now can't I? I will just have to strive to be a good person - not great yet, 'cause I'm nooooo way near that. Start small.

Ok, Ivana. Get a grip of yourself. *_*

Lost Item.

Ok, so my course had this Cultural Day thingy about three weeks ago. And im one of the dancers for a Sarawakian dance which required me to wear a Sarawakian traditional costume. Theres a lot of accecories and ornaments that are put around the costume and omg the horror i went through wearing the thing. I wanted to wear an Org Ulu costume but they gave me Iban instead.

Im starting to regret my decision of joining in the first place.

One of the accesorries i was supposed to use were these huge (weird) rings that are called buah pauh. The costume was nice and everything but the rings were unusable. so i decided to put them in my bag (or so i thought so).

I even hid them under an extra shirt i brought for obvious reasons but when i came back to my room there weren't there.

So until now i cant find those damn things and the owner is distressed about it because the things were handed down from generations to generations. i didnt really think it was THIS serious at first because first of all, the thing looks old (well,duh) and those are just ill-looking rings (no offence) but when Nyna told me how distressed she was and how they are meaningful to her i cant think straight. 

I know i should apologize to her personally. Nyna told me that its better if i told her face to face because she hasn't even told her parents yet about this... and im like WTH? how serious can she be about this. but im not in her shoes so i dont really know how valuable there are to her. so i cant really blindly say anything.

I just hope i can find them because its stressing the owner and me even more cz the pressure is on me. i just hate this position its very depressing.

Im never borrowing ath that is passed down from generations anymore. the distress it caused me, i'd never. God, help me in this, i cant turn to anyone else.

Obsessed.

However OBSESSED I am with this guy I know it's not right to think like this. It's like, I don't know what's happening to me but I am soooooo OBSESSED 100%. I have to stop this obsession, it's not healthy. sigh. He's not even into me anyway so why should I think about him? It's so weird also 'cause every time he's near I get pumped up and my heart beats a tad faster. Love is playing tricks on me. Yet again, how do I know whether it's love. I just can't see myself marrying and having children with him. Preposterous

I will never be good enough for you.

So I am finally able to log into my blog. Thank God. I've missed it. Anyway. There's this boy right. Who I obviously like. But he doesn't seem to like me back. I'm not sure whether I'm ok with it or I'm just to egoistic to accept this. He's a difficult person to comprehend. He's just too cool for me I guess.

The worst part is I can't see us together as being a couple or husband and wife (yes, I think that far) because we are just like fire and ice. I'm totally a different character than he is.

He never really show me interest even though I try to show him I'm interest. He always talks about pretty girls (which is kind of a turn off actually) but I don't know why I'm still crazy about him??!

It's like, every time he's near my heart would be racing madly. No joke. I've never felt like this about a guy. And I'm always so self-concious about my image whenever he's around. I mean, I know I'm not that pretty or up to par with his standards or requirement. I just hope I could stop thinking about him. It's not cool to like a person who doesn't show interest. I don't like to waste my time thinking about him but I can't help it! God, help me here!!

Young Visionaries Project Management.

Heyyyyy! I've been busy these past two days. doing what you may ask? well, here I am to tell you that. LOL lame. okay.

So I came across the Young Visionaries Project Management post on some random page. I couldn't be happier! The post was about a voluntary program under AIESEC to help out at kids' shelter homes. So of course I volunteered.

We went to Rumah Kasih on Saturday. It's a girls' home. I didn't have transport but Karine offered to send. I didn't know anyone from this project except for a few. But I was so happy because I've found new (awesome) friends! So 3 more Indonesian friends and 3 other (very!) sarcastic boys. :/ But they're super friendly!

Rumah Kasih :)

Oh, please. Rain looks "nice" in this.

Activities.

The next day we went to Rumah Agathians, it's an all-boys shelter home, where I met new friends - again!

Rumah Agathians :)

I saw this and I flipped! Do you know how hard it is to find Doraemon comics nowadays!? Thank God I saw this. And... I might have took it...? :-/

Tinesh, such a cutie pie.

Yay! I'm so proud of myself for volunteering. *pat pat pat on the back*

I look forward to more volunteering projects.

I cried when I saw this picture. The one thing I really can't stand is to see anyone or any animal hungry. I just can't.

These two pictures made me think of all the things I took for granted. Food and other blessings given by Allah SWT. I admit, I used to throw food away when I don't

feel like eating them. I still do sometimes but I always try to finish what I've started.

I often hear people talking about how this food tastes bad, this chicken is too dry, this cake is too hard or worst "why did they serve so much??!! #T$&@*#!!" - and yeah I do hear that once in a while. I admit, I used to do that too. Until I saw this:

Abu Hurairah (ra) said: "Rasulullah SAW never once spoke ill of a meal. If he liked it, he ate it and if he did not like it, he left it untouched."

It is wrong to talk bad about the food cooked by a person. Imagine how much of effort put in to cook. It may not seem like a big deal but it is still wrong.

Have we ever thought of how much food we've thrown that can be shared to starving children? Better still, have we ever thanked Allah we live in a comfortable country where there are plenty of food to eat? Do you realize while you're happily throwing away food, a starving child or animal would gladly accept your leftover?

"And [remember] when Your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favour]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe' ". " (Surah Ibrahim 14:7)

This is an amazing video btw. Really, it's truly amazing :)

Getting lost in KL. again.

Cantik di hari, mudah di hati (i know right? so lame)

Assalamualaikum all the awesome ladies and lame boys. Getting lost in KL may be fun at first but then... when you've experienced it.. Thankfully, Sarah was there to grace the day with her presence.

Here's how it went down. Our last class, Prose 1, ended at 3.30pm. Nadia, Tien Mie, Cherie, Sarah and myself decided we were going to celebrate TM's birthday by going out.

Anyway. We were supposed to go back by taxi after lunch but Sarah and I opted for a bus instead, since it's easier to go to KK9. After we bid them goodbye we went on bus number 99. Actually we weren't sure whether it was the right bus but we did ask the conductor whether it's the right bus; but he let us in anyway.

Then in the middle of nowhere (and what felt like 60 seconds later), we were told to get off the bus (like, seriously?). So there we were. Stuck somewhere like refugees, praying a

bus will come soon. Eventually there was a bus. Bus number 64. "Pasar Seni... Bangsar... PPUM... whaa? PPUM. ok. *hops on, paid RM1*

As more people were starting to get off, we got a bit nervous. After a while we realized we were at Petaling Street. Being the typical non-KL people we sat and pondered *where the hell*. And it was 5pm. So you can imagine the traffic.

Proof of empty bus :P

Then le bus driver had the nerve to halau us, once again, out of the bus!

Stuck at Pasar Seni

Sarah & I in search of help

Then after almost an hour and a half of sitting our bums in the buses, we finally hopped on an LRT. Thank God! :)

We felt like we're journalists in these pictures HAHA

Eva Gegirly Coelho

My dear sweetheart. This was the first ever photo of you that I took. I still remember the first day I held you in my arms. You were so tiny, hungry and frail - so afraid.

I remember the first day you stayed in. You were injured, so I put you in a little basket, I made you a bed and you slept next to me till morning.

You grew older and bigger. I watched you grew right in front of my eyes. As you grew, more additions came to the family. You grew to be beautiful - with eyes bluer than the bluest ocean; a fur coat that changes in time - from snow white to a mix of brown caramel; and (I kid you not) the most perfect high-pitched voice I've ever heard. And I'll miss all of that.

You grew closer to my dad and eventually you two became good friends, never trusting anyone but my dad. I know my dad cried when he found out. And I've never seen him cry before. My heart bleeds with him.

Alas, God called your spirit back home to be with the angels in the Heavens. I felt something before I left you the other day. I gave you a long good bye kiss and promised to you that I'll come back although I felt strange at that moment. I thank God however, I got to see you for one last time before I left.

You're forever engraved in my heart my sweet kitty. I held you first and I held you last. I've loved you with everything that I can. And I'm going to miss you so much, my sweetheart. Thanks for all the memories and good times you gave me. I love you, Eva.

Talentless?

Recently I have been thinking a lot about what I have contributed so far in life. And thinking hard about it, I haven't had a clue. So out of the blue I decided to try and focus on the one thing that I enjoy most - singing. I love to sing. I really do. Well, no surprise there, I'm sure most people enjoy this activity too. lol. I sing everywhere, anywhere and any time. And I'm pretty certain that I drive people crazy with my little hobby.

Okay, back to the subject. So during the holidays, I took up a singing class. We do these vocal warm-ups and all those singing stuff. I like my teacher, he's super professional. As the class progressed, I've learned a LOT - things I've never known before. But I'm not saying that my voice is amazing. I think it's decent, not amazing. Sad, but true. Sigh...

And the more I went for these classes, the more that he demands of increasing my vocal range I get frustrated. My throat has a tendency to fall sick any time possible. After a while I'm like "I give up"... but if I give up then what else do I have to satisfy myself? I studied dancing when I was younger, now that I'm a hijabi, I have to throw that dream out of the window.

I will never settle if I haven't found that thing I possess that can satisfy my reason to live on Earth. We only live once anyway. What great big change have I done to mankind? Big words, I know. I'm restarting my blogging days once again. And yeah, get used to my cliché words and REALLY long post - if you feel like reading it that is.

Am I talentless or what? That would surely be disappointing.

Day 1: Survival.

6:00 am: aku bangun. kedengaran bunyi azan bergema memecah kesunyian pada awal pagi. aku terus terbangun. ku buka pintu bilikku dengan berhati-hati. berhati-hati agar bunyi pintu yang sedang membuka itu tadi tidak membangunkan mana-mana 'makhluk' yang siapa tahu ada di sini. aku terus menuju ke arah bilik air dan mengambil wuduk. pantas, tapi dengan berhati-hati agar aku pasti wudukku cukup sempurna. aku terus kembali ke bilik dan bersembahyang. dalam kekhusyukkanku itu, ku juga mendoakan agar diriku mampu mengharungi kesunyian untuk sepanjang hari. ku tidur kembali.

12 ptg: aku tersentak dan terbangun. aku duduk sementara sambil menge'check' sama ada telefon portalku menerima sebarang 'mesej' dari sesiapa. mana tahu, ada yang telah menerima panggilan S.O.S. aku kelmarin. namun, ahhh. tiada sebarang balasan. aku menguatkan semangat ke bilik air. dan cuba membersihkan kekotoran dari badanku. kekotoran daripada bersembunyi dari 'makhluk' yang cuba mengejar ku semalam. senjata aku masih ada peluru. namun, saban hari, semakin 'kering'.

4 ptg: hari kian gelap. radio portal aku membunyikan 'frekuensi' sedikit. namun, masih tidak dapat dibaca entah siapa yang masih hidup di luar sana. yang aku tahu, di selatan Mid Valley, dikatakan masih ada beberapa orang manusia. aku hanya mampu berharap dan mempercayai harapan tersebut. perkara tersebut merupakan pendorong aku untuk terus bertahan.

6 ptg: kedengaran bunyi guntur di langit. bunyi 'makhluk' yang tadi memecah kesunyian sekali lagi kedengaran. lebih kuat kali ini. ibunya pun sudah bangun dari beradunya. aku mula resah. aku hanya berbekalkan sedikit senjata mula memikirkan pelan seterusnya. tidak mengapa! esok, aku pasti akan bertahan juga. walaupun bekalan makanan kian kehabisan, aku berjanji akan bertahan. ya, Khalif! kita akan berjumpa semula. aku berjanji.

11 mlm: hujan yang lebat tadi mula merintik-rintik. aku melihat halaman blok aku. gelap! semuanya gelap! ah! rinduku pada kehadiran manusia bertambah dari hari ke hari. oh, Khalif. akan ku menguatkan diri. engkau pun sabarlah. dan tunggu lah kedatangan aku. kita akan bersatu semula. aku berjanji!